Don’t ask me how long I thought about this. You’ll just embarrass me.
Objective: Find the ideal sidekick.
Criterion: Must be non-human, non-mythological and non-fictional.
Historical Sidekicks: Robin, Watson, Tonto, Chewbacca, Goose, Cameron Frye, Andy Richter, Tom Sawyer, Samwise Gamgee, Newton.
Sources: World Wide Web, my mind-grapes.
Candidates
Dolphin
Pros: Super-smart, genial, protective, awesome.
Cons: I don’t spend much time near water.
Conclusion: If I lived near an ocean, top choice.
Monkey
Pros: Practically family, smart, could hang around my shoulder, would look good with an eye-patch.
Cons: Likes to sling feces, moody, might murder me in my sleep.
Conclusion: The love-hate relationship would ultimately destroy us.
Gorilla
Pros: My brother!, would get me into any bar I want, would look good in a pinstriped suit and a fedora, we could sign to each other.
Cons: Wouldn’t eat bacon, might join forces with Gorilla Grodd or Donkey Kong, on endangered list, chest-thumping would get old fast.
Conclusion: I don’t need to take care of another primate that just sits around and eats all day. I already have to take care of myself.
Dog
Pros: Domesticated, potty-trained, good for cuddling or rescuing me from avalanches.
Cons: Bad for allergies, not likely to strike fear in the hearts of men.
Conclusion Boring. Everybody has a dog.
Polar Bear
Pros: Terrifying, bad-ass motherfucker, I could travel on his back, excellent swimmer.
Cons: Doesn’t like warm climates, sleeps too much, liable to mistake me for seal or walrus.
Conclusion: If I could cover his body in armour, maybe.
Owl
Pros: Symbol of wisdom, doesn’t like mornings, the cool chicks would dig him, a group of owls is called a “parliament,” there are Elf Owls.
Cons: Not good in full-fledged battle, farsighted, lack of a vicious streak.
Conclusion: Will be my sidekick in my retirement years.
Falcon
Pros: Good size, can travel long distances, good at clawing out eyes, cry would terrify enemies, can swoop in and land on my shoulder, always wanted to be a Falconer.
Cons: Hard to control, good at clawing out my eyes, may fly away and never return.
Conclusion: Worth the risk. Winner!
Andy Grabia 
Who needs to armour a polar bear? They’re practically unkillable as it is.
Polar bears always look better in armour.
You raise an excellent point, sir.
Of course, I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell your unarmoured sidekick polar bear that he’d really look better with some plate around his waist.
True. Which is why I wouldn’t take him on as my sidekick. The creatures are irritable enough as is. I’d prefer something a bit more approachable. And moldable.
And I still don’t know if I am a falcon, or a storm, or a great song.
Rilke.